Utterly speechless

I don't know what to say. I want to express things in my heart but i'm left without words. It is a very frustrating thing to say the least ( because i really can't say any more). Forgive me for the lack of properly expressed feelings in this entry, it looks like today is going to be very rough.

I go through a swing of wide range of emotions. I go from apathy to apathy in 10 seconds. I get depressed and then apathic. I don't seem to be very happy very often. I don't what it is about me, and why i'm so fucked up right now. This thought in my head has been in there since morning but i've manage to avoid thinking until now.

ARRRGH I CAN"T COMPLETE MY THOUGHT!!!

Everything is all scattered and screwed up, but it's not. I don't know what's going on with me but i'm struggling with struggling. I can't focus and i'm itchy. Very Very itchy. When i am all unfocused, i get itchy. I scratch until i bleed and i try not to scratch but i can't fight the urges.

I have no love interest in my life, which is all the worse because i wish i did. I dunno why, but i feel like i'm missing something deep down. It's like i'm only a piece of my own puzzle. Now i seem like i'm spazing out, but if you were here right now, you'd see i'm just sitting like rock.

That's all i fucking do. Sit there like rock. When i'm sad, when i'm happy, when i feel beyond me, when i'm apathtice even. I'm really starting to hate my range of expression. Always droppy eyed and frowning. Some times i wish i were dead.

This is a passing feeling, like all everything else in my life.
I'm so fractured right now i don't even know what is going on.
As you can see i'm trying to type almost stream of coniousness style and it's quite split everywhere.
I can't relax and feel all tense for no apparent reason.
I hate days like these, they make me tired and restless at the same time

fuck! my computer is in the shop and my sister rooms smells like crap. Way too much perfume. I wish i didn't have work tomorrow! then i could get drunk by myself and fall asleep by myself.
So itchy!

I don't know what to feel anymore these days.

My sister doesn't understand reality and i know she's just escaping it. She knows she's a mooch and refusese to get a job. SHe sleep all day and goes out all weekends. My family didn't raise her to be like this. Maybe we didn't raiser her enough. I used to never fully understand my mother's point of view, but seem to now. She claims that mother spazs too much and is going though menopause. I think deep down think that my mother is right most of the time and that my sister is a very inconsiderate jerk of a person. She doesn't understand responsiblity. My sister follows the ignorance is bliss philosophy. She's very good at blocking out all that's unpleasent in her life. So as a result, she makes a mess that other people have to clean up. True i'm 2 years older than her, but that's not much. She needs a reality check.

I need a life.

Still bloody itchy and my keyboard is stale. I hate stale keyboards. So difficult to press the shift key. I may not look like it, but i'm a fucking mess today.

Itchy,