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I went clubbing yesterday. I haven't been in ages, as per usual, i came out smelling like cigs and my hearing shot. We went to a place called tonic. A very nice place, very cozy. So what happend? well it's not what happend, it's what didn't. This is really stupid, because i sounds so juvinille. I can't talk to girls. Well girls i don't know. You see, if i know a girls' name, i can talk to her, otherwise i'm frozen with fear. I don't know why. It's the whole first contact thing i can't do. I've guts for nearly anything else, but talking to girls. My heart jumps, skips, whatever it just stops doing whatever it normally does. It's bloody annoying. I was looking at this girl, and i was like i should go talk/ dance with her. I think she gave me a couple looks, maybe even a smile. I still couldn't do it. I don't understand this one bit.

I told you that it was juvinille. I'm a 20 year old boy (emphasis on boy because of my lack of courage) and i still can't talk to a girl. I am a full blown moron

While dancing that night, i also had another feeling. A horrible empty feeling, i'm not sure what i was, but it was empty. I no longer got the normal euphoria i recieve from dancing. I felt like i was just flailing my arms and legs rather than dancing. My friend joel who just goes nuts when dancing. I find it quite comical. I notice a couple of the club patorns argeed with me. So what's the point of me mentioning my friend? well i felt like what he looked like. Moving, but not dancing.

I'm still on Day 2 of my 12 days thing i mentioned awhile ago, I'm getting so lazy. I want to write it, but i'm just not. *sigh*

I just watched Trainspotting. I don't see what so special about it. It had some nice cinematography in it, but the story was very weak. I highly doubt herione recover is like that. Whatever, they had some nice shots from clever angles but that is all. Trainspotting. I give it 25 dust bunnies.

I talk to her again. My heart's a flutter. Who is she? Well she is her. *sigh* It seems contradictory, that for the most part i talk about my inability to preform(in a non-sexual context) and talk to women. And i go all love duvey spacey on you. Well T.S. I am the way i am. Are you wondering who she is? Email me, because yet another side project was to write about her and me, but i have yet to take up another herulian task.

Here Comes Johnny Ray Again,

At my door

I woke up to the cawing of the ravens again. It's like they are waiting for my soul. Vultures pick at your already dead body, Ravens pick at your soul. It's like their waiting for me to finally die inside and then swoop down. I know i still have a soul, why? how? what possible theological argument can i use that would show that i have a soul still? Well their still at my doorstep. Believe me, they aren't wanting tea and scones.

I'm not quite sure if it's this university or what is dragging me down. I mean all i do it work, no room for personal growth. It no wonder that some people in this university are immature or incredibly annoying. They haven't grown, and will never change here. It seems quite sufficating, but i'll get out soon. It seems that the key to growing here is 2 things.

1. Learn how to hold your breath, just enough so you don't go insane here
2. Go up for air. Leave town, leave work, just leave. I don't care if i'm in a box to tiajuanna or crossing the meditative border and become some mystic transcendental being, I tell everyone to leave this place if you get the chance.

Inhale, Exhale and Repeat as Necessary