A moment of hesitation conclusion
I am tired, I am frustated, and I am angry. Life seems like a giant colossal waste of effort, so why bother trying?
Now where am I? I'm back where i started, i have no job, my grades suck shit and i have no love life
Question: I thought you where smitten?
Answer: Not anymore, she's nice enough to give me hints. And i get them. Believe me their hints i dont' want to believe, but she will never ever be with me.
So what do now? i run. I running from all my responsibilites. I don't like failure so i'm running. I can't run forever or can i?
Run mike run! Don't worry you won't be able to get anywhere anyways
Stick a fork in me, i'm done.
Life, Futility is thy maden name
Monday, September 02, 2002
A moment of hesitation pt 2
After numerous doctors, x-ray technicians, nurses and medical mumbo jumbo. I learned my lungs had collasped. After some minor ER surgery, they realized i wouldn't be patched up and admitted to hospital. In my opinon, the body heals really easily, but the mind takes too much time. 10 mins before surgery i began to freak out. I mean hyperventalate and panic. I never panicked like that before. I'm not sure why i did because i was calm for everything else. My mind is my temple and it felt like it was being invaded. At that moment i think i lost everything i had. Even it was for 10 mins before the drugs took their effect, i was lost. I felt like i deevolved into nothing more than some animal. I couldn't calm myself, i couldn't control anything. I was scared
I thought gave up being scared, like i gave up crying and whole slew of other things that made weak. I was weak again, i was something i hated all over again. I felt bad, i feel like i can't ever grow, because every inch i gain, i will be just picked up and put back to where i started. I never liked the concept of destiny, but i can't help but feel that it does exist. How else do i explain things like this?
Sugery was a success! But my Mind and Body were in shambles. Futility seemed to swarm into my life now. By the time i left the hospital and got back into school, i had missed 2 weeks. 2 very important weeks. All the work i put into keeping up with school, gone. I was far behind, and it really hurt to see all the hard work i put into school vanish in a flash of seemly divine intervention. Something of nobody's fault so i have nothing to be angry at. Something of no reason so i have no way to preventing it. Something
I lost my chance at at job. I could have replaced a friend at a company, but i missed the application dead line. Something seems not to like me. Because i was supposed to have a stroke of luck. The only stroke i seem to have recieve was the backside of fate's hand.
And Her? I didn't even want to deal with Her, I don't think i could take anymore rejection.
After numerous doctors, x-ray technicians, nurses and medical mumbo jumbo. I learned my lungs had collasped. After some minor ER surgery, they realized i wouldn't be patched up and admitted to hospital. In my opinon, the body heals really easily, but the mind takes too much time. 10 mins before surgery i began to freak out. I mean hyperventalate and panic. I never panicked like that before. I'm not sure why i did because i was calm for everything else. My mind is my temple and it felt like it was being invaded. At that moment i think i lost everything i had. Even it was for 10 mins before the drugs took their effect, i was lost. I felt like i deevolved into nothing more than some animal. I couldn't calm myself, i couldn't control anything. I was scared
I thought gave up being scared, like i gave up crying and whole slew of other things that made weak. I was weak again, i was something i hated all over again. I felt bad, i feel like i can't ever grow, because every inch i gain, i will be just picked up and put back to where i started. I never liked the concept of destiny, but i can't help but feel that it does exist. How else do i explain things like this?
Sugery was a success! But my Mind and Body were in shambles. Futility seemed to swarm into my life now. By the time i left the hospital and got back into school, i had missed 2 weeks. 2 very important weeks. All the work i put into keeping up with school, gone. I was far behind, and it really hurt to see all the hard work i put into school vanish in a flash of seemly divine intervention. Something of nobody's fault so i have nothing to be angry at. Something of no reason so i have no way to preventing it. Something
I lost my chance at at job. I could have replaced a friend at a company, but i missed the application dead line. Something seems not to like me. Because i was supposed to have a stroke of luck. The only stroke i seem to have recieve was the backside of fate's hand.
And Her? I didn't even want to deal with Her, I don't think i could take anymore rejection.
A moment of hesitation pt 1
I was going to write some big ass post of about some personal demons i'm trying to subdue. But I think i'll just focus on subduing them. Just FYI, this one is a biggie. I'm not even sure how to approach it. My head is fucked up place to be now. And it's starting to show, i seem to be restless and angry now. I can tell by monitoring the number of times i swear.
I'm really frustrated and indespair. I think that it's because i'm back in the same rut i was in 8 months ago. I don't have a job, my school grades got raped and i'm not really getting anywhere fast. My Dad is hounding (but rightfully so) on getting a job. My Mom doing the menopause thing so her temper swings as often as a pendulum. My Sister doesn't know what she's doing or will do or even seem to remotely care what to do. Plus there is a quiet financial crisis in the family. I am having so much fun.
This all started from the lung incident. Fuck my 12 days essay, i'm just going to do a fucking long post. Things need to be said and things don't need to be edited.
Before my lung fell apart, i was talking to Her. We came to climax of a conversation. I asked her if i had a chance, she didn't say yes, she didn't say no. "I don't know." What does that leave me with? nothing. What she doesn't know or doesn't want me to know leave me with nothing. All the speculation and cross analysis leaves me cancelling each argument out and i have what i've always have. Nothing.
Distraught the next morning. I go for my morning run. I had decided to become healthy and studieous this time around at school. I was doing it too, the old lathargtic me was slowly fading to black. While running i had thought flying through my head at the speed of light and twice as numerous. I was doing my whole analysis thing. I was so deep in thought that i barely noticed the pain shooting up my ribs and lungs. Later that night i realized that i pushed myself too hard. My breathe seemed to escape me, i felt a heavy weight placed on me. Something wasn't right.
I was going to write some big ass post of about some personal demons i'm trying to subdue. But I think i'll just focus on subduing them. Just FYI, this one is a biggie. I'm not even sure how to approach it. My head is fucked up place to be now. And it's starting to show, i seem to be restless and angry now. I can tell by monitoring the number of times i swear.
I'm really frustrated and indespair. I think that it's because i'm back in the same rut i was in 8 months ago. I don't have a job, my school grades got raped and i'm not really getting anywhere fast. My Dad is hounding (but rightfully so) on getting a job. My Mom doing the menopause thing so her temper swings as often as a pendulum. My Sister doesn't know what she's doing or will do or even seem to remotely care what to do. Plus there is a quiet financial crisis in the family. I am having so much fun.
This all started from the lung incident. Fuck my 12 days essay, i'm just going to do a fucking long post. Things need to be said and things don't need to be edited.
Before my lung fell apart, i was talking to Her. We came to climax of a conversation. I asked her if i had a chance, she didn't say yes, she didn't say no. "I don't know." What does that leave me with? nothing. What she doesn't know or doesn't want me to know leave me with nothing. All the speculation and cross analysis leaves me cancelling each argument out and i have what i've always have. Nothing.
Distraught the next morning. I go for my morning run. I had decided to become healthy and studieous this time around at school. I was doing it too, the old lathargtic me was slowly fading to black. While running i had thought flying through my head at the speed of light and twice as numerous. I was doing my whole analysis thing. I was so deep in thought that i barely noticed the pain shooting up my ribs and lungs. Later that night i realized that i pushed myself too hard. My breathe seemed to escape me, i felt a heavy weight placed on me. Something wasn't right.
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