This is why I'm such a depressive ape Conclusion
Ok so you know another big chunk in my subconcious life. I put alot of stock in it for a reason, because it's nice, and very wishful. Now i'm sure that i'm unsucessful of courting said women. She gave some gentle story about a girl and a waterloo "engineer" and how they have a relationship and how she doesn't want to like the couple. She also dropped a couple of hints saying that unless she's fallover flat on her face in love, she's not going to be with a guy. Well i shall concide now and stop chasing her. She is my Amy, you know, the one from chasing amy. The girl who got away and broke your heart. It's something that's not ment to be and i should not force it. Well it was nice when it lasted. Well today i realized that it's only a dream. Nothing concrete and solid. Just a (nice) figment of your imagination. I also know now that it's ok to dream and take it with a grain of salt. Big deal so destiny isn't a romantic as it used to be.
I'm quite content with this conclusion. So now once again! i'm semi free from the shackles of any self made opposite sex problems!
Did you know that the Surreal Art exhibit in the AGO is not surreal enough for me?
For Real? Surreal? No Appeal.
Wednesday, September 18, 2002
This is why i'm such a depressive ape
It's because i always recall the bad times. But today i'm good, i'm quite content with myself. So i've decided that in order to stop my lovely cycle of self destruction. I've decided to make this a happy post. I need to write down more self revelations because i figure i should just draw on them in times of need. If i can dwell in depression, why not dwell in happiness. FUCK YEA
So why am i so content. I'll tell you why, first i didn't wake up scared for my sanity. Believe me, it makes a big difference in your day. Today i woke up whenever the hell i wanted. Sat around and this thought came to me. It's just a dream. Freud's theories have been all disproven, and i shouldn't rely so heavly on dream interpreation. So that begins to calm my nerves on the recent events. Keep that thought in mind while i trounce on over to some different territory.
I talk to my ex-girlfriend a couple of days ago. Now i know what some are thinking? "Mike! What are you doing??" Trust me i'm doing the right thing. You see i had an urge, one that i haven't felt for a long time. I missed her. Hey gimme a break, She was my first (and currently last) girlfriend i've had. The golden rule is that you never forget your first. In theory, i should hate her. For reasons that ened the relationship. But she was a friend 1st so i didn't want to totally leave. Yeah i felt quite good talking to her. Reminded me of old times, good times. Guilt free good times. I quite enjoy the nonsense we talk about. It's not deep and spirtual or mind blowing like other people i talk to, but i enjoy it. I mean for god sakes i'm 20 and i'm too damn serious about finding meaning and self worth. I need to love and laugh without 2nd thought. And that's what i'm doing and need to remember to do. Love and Laugh
She going to kill me when she reads that my conversation is not deeping and mind blowing.
Ok now back to the dream thing. It's just a dream and that's all it is. Yeah i'm violent, but not a murdering psycho. At least not yet. The subconcious is a very confusing place, but i don't think i would have it any other way. Ok another dream story, one very lucid and revelling experience. I cherish this dream dearly. Ok i walk into an building complex. the outside seems very bright and possibly hot. But the building offers nothing but relief. I enter the elevator, and hit the button. Now the elevator begins to rise. The decor in the building and elevator was quite old. Looked like the building shared it's days with the 1950's and then barely kept to code. Even the elevator readout was just numbers and a clock hand. Funny thing is that the elevator stopped between 12 and 14. There was no 13th floor. Probably superstitious reasons. I felt like i was in a wierd place. Maybe i didn't notice it from before but i did now. I also realized that i didn't have a destination. Before my fears took grip, the doors opened. Elevators doors that is. It was bright out, like outside. Blindingly bright. Shielding my eyes with my forearm, i tried to look out. My eyes must have adjusted at that point or the odd lighting was dimming, because i saw a corridor with a person at the end. No not a person, an angel. She glided towards me and entered the elevator. Her skin didn't dim, she remained bright, like she was emitting light. i could sort of make out her visage, but there is no other word than beautiful. My heart sank. I don't know what was going on but i had tremendous feelings for this person. Well she moves close to me, close enough for embrace. I think she had wings, i'm not too sure, everything was so bright, but not completely disorienting. In fact i was quite comfortable. She then asked me a question. "Do you want to love me or do you want to fuck me?" Without blinking, i knew the answer. I said "I want to love you." And then we began to kiss. The glow about her brightened again, and kept brightening until all i could see was pure white light. I woke up then. My mind was significatinly blowned by then. But there is even a more might blowing aspect to the dream. You know how in dreams, you know somethings, things that let you operate and function in the dream world, but are not necessarly true in the real world. Well in the dream, i knew who she was. I knew Miss Angel Pants. I've met her before and i already did like her. Do you know know who she was???
If you've read the post about me being smitten, then you now know that is is her! Yeah her.
So you can see why i put such a stockpile in my dreams, because this one led me on one magical quest. To try at least make good on my word that i made in my dream
i've got more to say, but it will be in the next post, afraid of overload
It's because i always recall the bad times. But today i'm good, i'm quite content with myself. So i've decided that in order to stop my lovely cycle of self destruction. I've decided to make this a happy post. I need to write down more self revelations because i figure i should just draw on them in times of need. If i can dwell in depression, why not dwell in happiness. FUCK YEA
So why am i so content. I'll tell you why, first i didn't wake up scared for my sanity. Believe me, it makes a big difference in your day. Today i woke up whenever the hell i wanted. Sat around and this thought came to me. It's just a dream. Freud's theories have been all disproven, and i shouldn't rely so heavly on dream interpreation. So that begins to calm my nerves on the recent events. Keep that thought in mind while i trounce on over to some different territory.
I talk to my ex-girlfriend a couple of days ago. Now i know what some are thinking? "Mike! What are you doing??" Trust me i'm doing the right thing. You see i had an urge, one that i haven't felt for a long time. I missed her. Hey gimme a break, She was my first (and currently last) girlfriend i've had. The golden rule is that you never forget your first. In theory, i should hate her. For reasons that ened the relationship. But she was a friend 1st so i didn't want to totally leave. Yeah i felt quite good talking to her. Reminded me of old times, good times. Guilt free good times. I quite enjoy the nonsense we talk about. It's not deep and spirtual or mind blowing like other people i talk to, but i enjoy it. I mean for god sakes i'm 20 and i'm too damn serious about finding meaning and self worth. I need to love and laugh without 2nd thought. And that's what i'm doing and need to remember to do. Love and Laugh
She going to kill me when she reads that my conversation is not deeping and mind blowing.
Ok now back to the dream thing. It's just a dream and that's all it is. Yeah i'm violent, but not a murdering psycho. At least not yet. The subconcious is a very confusing place, but i don't think i would have it any other way. Ok another dream story, one very lucid and revelling experience. I cherish this dream dearly. Ok i walk into an building complex. the outside seems very bright and possibly hot. But the building offers nothing but relief. I enter the elevator, and hit the button. Now the elevator begins to rise. The decor in the building and elevator was quite old. Looked like the building shared it's days with the 1950's and then barely kept to code. Even the elevator readout was just numbers and a clock hand. Funny thing is that the elevator stopped between 12 and 14. There was no 13th floor. Probably superstitious reasons. I felt like i was in a wierd place. Maybe i didn't notice it from before but i did now. I also realized that i didn't have a destination. Before my fears took grip, the doors opened. Elevators doors that is. It was bright out, like outside. Blindingly bright. Shielding my eyes with my forearm, i tried to look out. My eyes must have adjusted at that point or the odd lighting was dimming, because i saw a corridor with a person at the end. No not a person, an angel. She glided towards me and entered the elevator. Her skin didn't dim, she remained bright, like she was emitting light. i could sort of make out her visage, but there is no other word than beautiful. My heart sank. I don't know what was going on but i had tremendous feelings for this person. Well she moves close to me, close enough for embrace. I think she had wings, i'm not too sure, everything was so bright, but not completely disorienting. In fact i was quite comfortable. She then asked me a question. "Do you want to love me or do you want to fuck me?" Without blinking, i knew the answer. I said "I want to love you." And then we began to kiss. The glow about her brightened again, and kept brightening until all i could see was pure white light. I woke up then. My mind was significatinly blowned by then. But there is even a more might blowing aspect to the dream. You know how in dreams, you know somethings, things that let you operate and function in the dream world, but are not necessarly true in the real world. Well in the dream, i knew who she was. I knew Miss Angel Pants. I've met her before and i already did like her. Do you know know who she was???
If you've read the post about me being smitten, then you now know that is is her! Yeah her.
So you can see why i put such a stockpile in my dreams, because this one led me on one magical quest. To try at least make good on my word that i made in my dream
i've got more to say, but it will be in the next post, afraid of overload
Tuesday, September 17, 2002
Lesser of two evils
Whoa, today i woke up in a very fearful state again. I have this notion that there exist two evils in me. The lesser of the two is violence. I think i'm too violent. I'm pretty calm on the exterior, but i think i'm quite the bag of prevebial fuck up. You see as a kid i was quite the emotion little bugger. I cried alot, got angry easy, and i guess i also smiled just as much. I'm not too sure when i started restricting everything, but either way i did. It's probably the fact that i was made fun of and such. Ok i mention that i got angry easy, well when i did get angry, the scary thing about me is that i don't think i can necessary control my actions. It's like a giant force from somewhere is propelling me to do whatever it is I'm doing. My mind gets very clouded and i lose the ability to make sound judgements. It's quite like Dr Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. I hate this feeling. I've usually got a good grip on my temper nowadays.
But today i awoke very very disheartend. In my dream i seem to have lost control. There was a man pointing a gun at me, at first i was calm and began to walk away from him. Then he mentioned something about my family and how he was going to kill them. Then it was like i had no restraint and so i turn around and rushed at him. He shot me, three times. once in the left arm, grazed my right forearm and hit my left thigh. But with every shot i got closer to him and i was so blinded by rage that i seem to ignore the pain. Then i proceed to beat the gunman, first disarming him, but i didn't stop, i just kept hitting and hitting him. I didn't stop until he was dead. It was one of those dream things where you just know certian things, he was dead.
I don't know what to make of it. By the way did i mention that it's the 2nd violent dream that i had. The first one is just as distrubing as the first.
The day before i woke up confused. Very confused. In my dreams, i was defending some room. It must have helding something important because, swat team members kept rushing in and i kept shooting them down. The last time the door opened, a girl appeared. I don't know who she was but she seemed quite familiar. I pulled her inside and yelled out "FUCK! it's a trap", i ran outside and saw one more swat team member and i just ran up to him and jumped on to his chest and proceed to hit him in the head. I just kept pounding and pounding the crap out of him. I'm not sure if he lived or not, i woke up.
I think there is something wrong with me.
Whoa, today i woke up in a very fearful state again. I have this notion that there exist two evils in me. The lesser of the two is violence. I think i'm too violent. I'm pretty calm on the exterior, but i think i'm quite the bag of prevebial fuck up. You see as a kid i was quite the emotion little bugger. I cried alot, got angry easy, and i guess i also smiled just as much. I'm not too sure when i started restricting everything, but either way i did. It's probably the fact that i was made fun of and such. Ok i mention that i got angry easy, well when i did get angry, the scary thing about me is that i don't think i can necessary control my actions. It's like a giant force from somewhere is propelling me to do whatever it is I'm doing. My mind gets very clouded and i lose the ability to make sound judgements. It's quite like Dr Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. I hate this feeling. I've usually got a good grip on my temper nowadays.
But today i awoke very very disheartend. In my dream i seem to have lost control. There was a man pointing a gun at me, at first i was calm and began to walk away from him. Then he mentioned something about my family and how he was going to kill them. Then it was like i had no restraint and so i turn around and rushed at him. He shot me, three times. once in the left arm, grazed my right forearm and hit my left thigh. But with every shot i got closer to him and i was so blinded by rage that i seem to ignore the pain. Then i proceed to beat the gunman, first disarming him, but i didn't stop, i just kept hitting and hitting him. I didn't stop until he was dead. It was one of those dream things where you just know certian things, he was dead.
I don't know what to make of it. By the way did i mention that it's the 2nd violent dream that i had. The first one is just as distrubing as the first.
The day before i woke up confused. Very confused. In my dreams, i was defending some room. It must have helding something important because, swat team members kept rushing in and i kept shooting them down. The last time the door opened, a girl appeared. I don't know who she was but she seemed quite familiar. I pulled her inside and yelled out "FUCK! it's a trap", i ran outside and saw one more swat team member and i just ran up to him and jumped on to his chest and proceed to hit him in the head. I just kept pounding and pounding the crap out of him. I'm not sure if he lived or not, i woke up.
I think there is something wrong with me.
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