Tamashii the big fat loser part 2

Looks like there is no end in sight. My loserish ways have the best of me. Another thing i find i tend to do is that i never feel that anything less than 95% my effort is accomplished by me. So if i have a job. I do more than 95% then that means i did it by myself. If let's say you were my partner and did 25%, i didn't do it by myself.

Even if i accomplish objective that i might have set out, i seem to lose scope of any accomplishments. Why? i don't know. If i really thing about it. I've come a damn long way from where i was. I'm 20, i'm one of a handle full of people in my family to have even have the chance at secondary education. I've been better than my parents at most forms of acadamia since grade 9. I've done more crazy things (ie rafting climbing and other incrimiating activities) than anybody in my family. I have quite possibly the coolest and craziest friends anybody could ask for. Quite frankly i've got everything to live for.

Now with all that patting myself on the back done, why do i get so depressed? why do i lose sight of everything the minute i become emotionally overwhelmed? Thank god i'm in a better mood now and i can see these weird things i tend to do. It's odd, i tend to treat myself like a computer program and i go around debugging myself. Now that sounds quite lame but it's true. See bad habit. Squash bug. Yet another reason that i am tamashii the big fat loser.

Ooh that reminds me, i've got to start evening out my moods on this journal. It's always sad, sad, sad, Fucking Happy, and then sad. I need more humor in my journal. I need to post stupid stuff in here, just like i do on my other site. That way i don't divide my personallities and end up a schizo. This place used to be my dark corner i hide in, my blanket i cry in. Not anymore! This is still my safe haven, my fortress of solitude but i shall also house my other feelings. Expressions of joy, Quips of sarcasm and Yes this will still be my home for my damned depressing nature. "everything in moderation, even moderation" (Note: here you can see my debugging myself again and making up rules and such)

Yours Truly,

Tamashii a bigger fatter loser by now

Tamashii the big fat loser

Ok i'm not really fat. In fact I'm quite far away from that but i am such a loser.

You see i realized that i will never win. Win as in be sucessful or have my life they way i want it. It's just too hard. You see i am a loser because i create imaginary rules in my head. Ethics, codes boundries and unhuman philosophies. What makes me a loser is because i'm bound by them. Let me give a far out example to better illustrate my postion.

Ok let's say i had the menial task of buying milk from the store. Simple for most people. Go out and get in your car and buy the damn milk. For me i start drawing imaginnary lines and binding myself with some kinda dogma making menial tasks not so menial. Ok for me to buy milk in that imaginary world, i couldn't use a car because a car pollutes. Amd then i have to go to a specific store half way across town because they sell the best milk and for some reason i must think that other stores sell rat's milk. Now getting a bag of milk is now one hell of a chore.

My real life is not so exaggerated but the example point out things i tend to do. I'm bounded by my beliefs, I want the best and I make up rules with rational reasons behind them. If most people lived a day in my life, they would be tired by the end of the day. I'm starting to think my life will get really ridiculous soon.

Ok here is a more solid example. I have vowed to leave no hate in my heart. Why? hate breeds violence and leads me down the path of rage. So no more rage for me by keeping my old ticker free of hate. I have a Ex-girlfriend. For the most part i should hate her, she messed up my head good. But i can't hate her, why? new law in tamashii's land. I have also vowed that when i say "I love you" i mean it and i mean it forever. No ifs ands or buts. That word is now sacred territory. The love law also takes into effect for old promises. So now I not only can't hate my ex-gf, i must also love her. Now that's pretty fucking complicated. I can't hate what i should and i must also love what normally i should hate. Wordy? indeed. Many people would think i'm insane by drawing such complicated lines in my mind. Wait, since we have 1 and 2, there must be a 3 to make my life even more difficult.
Ok a solution to the 2 rules above is to get back to with the ex and live happly ever after. That way i can satistfy 1 and 2. Unfortunatly heart's rule number 3 states that i must move forward and see new things and fall in love some more. So i cannot hate her, i must love her, but i can't get close to her again because i must move forward. It seems pretty simple now doesn't it? The only solution is to run off to some tropical island and start anew or just remain here and stand with all the goddamn willpower i've got.

I think by the time i die i will have willpower that could bend steel into pretzels. But that's just a tip of the iceburg because i've got a whole slew of other rules of the heart. Things like one girl at one time. Not just in a relationship, but i must like her and nobody else. If i'm like some girl then i cannot enter into a relationship with someone else.
Yeah my life will be exponentally complicated as more women enter my life. I think i'll just end up choking on my own words eventually.

So why am i a big fat loser? it's because with all these rules i'll never ever suceed and i'll just end up losing all the time. I'm starting to think that life isn't hard, i am.

Did i mention that my currently love interest is a vegetarian which means some how in the near future, if that relationship ever pans out. I might end up giving up red meat for a girl. My God i love my meaty diet, and you know what? i'd give it up for her on the assumption that she is the one. I am ruled by my heart and it is enforced by my brain.

Other Stores Sell Only Rat's Milk!